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Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Travis, Aug 17, 2011.

  1. Travis

    Travis Staff Member Staff Member

    Post your jokes!

    I stole this one from a guy on xs650.com....

    We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

    The cab driver hit a parked car.
  2. chkm8

    chkm8 XS400 Student

    just spit out coffee on the screen, thanks! as luck would have it, my mother in law is coming to town next week. i'll have to remember this.
  3. Pawl

    Pawl Arctic chop & bob

    If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear . . . . would Greece help?
  4. vfost

    vfost XS400 Addict

    How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

    Hope no one on here is a cop lol
  5. drewpy

    drewpy Excess twin Top Contributor

    how many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    two, one the turn it in and the other to give it a final twist at the end
  6. isigt

    isigt XS400 Addict

    Jesus walks into a hotel, throws 3 nails on the counter and says “Can u put me up for the night?"
  7. darkside

    darkside Frisbee

    what's the difference between a Porsche and 100 dead babies?
    there is no Porsche in my garage.

    Posted via Mobile
  8. Travis

    Travis Staff Member Staff Member

    One Monday morning Jim the mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Joe, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    "Wow Joe, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." The mailman comments.

    Joe in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

    The Jim the mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

    "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

    "Probably a good thing you did," Joe responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
  9. FlyingAnvil

    FlyingAnvil XS400 Addict

    A man calls animal control and claims he has a gorilla in a tree in his back yard.
    Animal control arrives, and sure as hell there's a gorilla in his tree. The man goes to the truck and comes back with a shotgun, a stick, a pair of handcuffs and the worlds most vicious Chihuahua that is trained to attack the hell out of the groin area of anything that falls from a tree.
    The animal control guy says "I am going to climb up this tree and poke that gorilla in the ass with that stick. When that gorilla falls from the tree, the chihuahua is going latch right on to that gorillas nuts and then I want you to handcuff the gorilla, you got it?"
    "Sure" the homeowner says, "But what's the shotgun for?"
    The animal control guy says "If I happen to fall out of the tree, you shoot that damn chihuahua."
  10. Travis

    Travis Staff Member Staff Member

    On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

    Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers......and stuck my cock in her mouth.
  11. Travis

    Travis Staff Member Staff Member

    Another stolen joke

    Little Johnny's Morals

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket in the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

    “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

    “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

    “Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

    “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

    “That’s a fine story Lucy,” she continued. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

    “Yes ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands.”

    “Good heavens,” said the teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

    "Stay the fuck away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
  12. FlyingAnvil

    FlyingAnvil XS400 Addict

    Damn fine jokes sir. Those had me laughing and I am off to the tattoo shop to share, thank you.
  13. Tubesteak

    Tubesteak XS400 Enthusiast

    A guy was driving down an old New Hampshire road and stops at a farm that sells doubled flavor apple's. He got out of his car and ask the farmer whats the deal on these apples the farmer says they have two flavors on one apple. The guy says let me try one the farmer says ok the guy bites into the apple and says wow strawberry and then he bites the other side and says wow blueberry. The farmer gives him another the guy bites into the apple and says wow watermelon he bites the other side and says wow cantalope. The guy spots a tree in the way back of the farm by itself and say whats that tree the famer replies that's my special tree. The guy ask why is it so special the farmer says when you bite into it it taste like pussy the guy you have to let me try it the farmer says well I don't know. The guy tells the farmer I will give you $100 bucks to try the apple the farmer takes the money and say suit yourself. The guy takes the biggest bite out of the apple he has ever taking and says this apple taste like shit the farmer says yeah turn it around
  14. cmoore352010

    cmoore352010 XS400 Enthusiast

    There was a fly flying around a river. In the river a trout looked up at the fly and thinks when the fly drops down low enough im gonna jump up and catch me some dinner. A bear sitting next to the river is eyeing the trout and think when that trout jumps out of the water im gonna get me some dinner. A hunter sitting on the other side is eyeing this bear from his hiding spot thinking when that bear jumps into the river i will shoot it and get me some bear skin. a mouse near the hunter is eyeing the hunters cheese sandwich thinking when the hunter leaves im gonna get that cheese sandwich for dinner. A bobcat in a tree next to the river sees the mouse and thinks if that mouse comes out in the open ill pounce on it and get me some dinner.

    A few minutes go by and the fly drops down close to the water, the trout jumps up and catches the fly, the bear jumps in the river and catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear and goes to get it, the mouse scurries over to the sandwich, the tree branch breaks and the bobcat falls in the river. What is the moral of the story??

    When the fly drops down the pussy gets wet.
  15. leedutcher

    leedutcher xsive to the bone!!!

    a hunter was getting ready to pack up for the day until the dnr came by.

    dnr: how u doing to day? did u get anything today?
    hunter: im doing fine. and yes i got 3 ducks
    dnr: well congradulations on your hunt today may i see them?
    (hunter hads over the ducks)
    (dnr grabs the first duck licks his finger and sticks it up the duck ass and smells it)
    dnr: this is a minnisota duck do u have a minnisota licence?
    hunter: yes i do (hands over his licence)
    (dnr grabs the second duck licks his finger and sticks it up the duck ass and smells it...again)
    dnr: hummm this is a missouri duck. do u have a missouri licence?
    (hunter getting a little frustrated)
    hunter: ugh... yes i do.... (hands over the licence)
    dnr: sorry to cause you this trouble im just trying to do my job sir.
    (hunter rolls his eyes)
    (dnr grabs the last duck licks his finger and sticks it up the duck ass and smells it.....again)
    dnr: this is an iowa duck do you have a iowa licence?
    (hunter boiling with rage opens his wallet and gets the licence)
    dnr: ok sir your good to go thank you for your patence. hey before you go can u tell me where you are from?
    (hunter turns around and pulls his pants down and bends over)
    hunter: why dont u stick your finger in there and u can tell me.....
  16. cmoore352010

    cmoore352010 XS400 Enthusiast

    I started sharing these jokes with my co-workers as a joke of the day email. Was wondering if anyone else had some good jokes i could share with them. Keep them coming cause they are pretty good.
  17. drewpy

    drewpy Excess twin Top Contributor

    Help me... I am at the police station and have been charged with murder!
    I attacked a man with sandpaper, I didn't mean to kill him, just rough him up a bit!

    I love to pamper my wife after she gets home from work after a stressful day...

    I get the the hot tap running, swirl the foam bubbles.. and time everything right, so when she she walks through the door.... she can crack on with the dishes!
  18. Rockrider

    Rockrider XS400 Enthusiast

    This guy tells his buddy he has an 82 xs400j for sale, all it needs is the carbs cleaned!
  19. drewpy

    drewpy Excess twin Top Contributor

    best one yet! :laugh:

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