Jokes!

Farmer is having trouble getting his Bull to mate with the his cows, so he talks to a vet and the vet says just wipe some of the cows lady juices under the bulls nose. He'll get aroused and nature will take its course.
So the farmer takes the vets advice and sure enough the bull gets aroused and mounts the cow.

Later..that evening...

The farmer and his wife are in bed and the farmer thinks well if it worked for the bull, why wouldn't it work for me. So as his wife sleeps he reaches down under the sheets and rubs some if his wifes lady juices under his nose....seconds later...

HONEY HONEY WAKE UP!!!

What is it Earl?

LOOK LOOK IT WORKED!!

Earl you woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose. :yikes:
 
John is buying his cousin's old vintage bike.
He goes over to his cousin's garage and sees the shiny, brand-new looking bike.
"WOW", says John, "How do you keep it clean and shiny like that?"
Cousin: "Well, every time when it rains I run outside and put Vaseline all over the bike so it won't rust. Since I won't be needing the jar of Vaseline anymore, take that as well."
John's happy and takes the bike out later that day to go eat at his in-laws, girlfriend on the back. Before arriving there, his girlfriend says "John, my family is a bit odd. When we're having dinner, the first one who speaks has to do the dishes. Just be quiet and you'll be fine." Upon arrival to his in-laws, he finds the house full of dirty dishes, piles of it everywhere. It's obvious the dishes haven't been done in months. Better not speak up first, John thinks to himself.
A while into the dinner, no one has said anything yet. Meanwhile, John gets horny and thinks: they're not going to say anything anyways, so I might as well. He proceeds to lay his girlfriend right there on the dinner table. Nobody says a word, so after he's done he looks over to his mother in law, and thinks: "damn that's quite the MILF, I better nail her too". After screwing the mother on the dinner table, no one has said anything still. Then he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain. John quickly pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket to which the father jumps up and says: "Alright, alright already, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"
 
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You're riding a XS400 at constant speed.
To your right is a ravine.
To you left, a fire truck is driving with the same speed, in the same direction. He is trying to overtake you.
Right in front of you, a large horse, bigger than your little XS.
Right behind you, a helicopter which is just hovering a few inches above the ground
These two also move with the same speed as you.
How do you get yourself out of this situation and stop?

- you get off that carousel!
 
last one :)


A bear and a rabbit are always arguing, because the rabbit keeps stealing the bear's carrots and then the bear chases the rabbit through the woods. One day, when the bear is chasing behind the rabbit, a frog appears on the path. The frog says: "Hello, I'm not a real frog, I'm a wizard in disguise. You are each granted three wishes." The bear makes his first wish: "I wish all other bears in these woods become females." The wizard frog croaks and all bears in the woods are females. Then it's the rabbit's turn: "I wish... A really nice biker outfit: helmet, gloves, coat, pants, and boots. " The bear is laughing his ass off, he has all the ladies and then the dumb rabbit wishes for this. The bear makes his second wish: "I wish all other bears in the country become females", and it is done. Then it's the rabbit's turn again, and he says: "I wish for a really fast motorbike." He gets his bike, and the bear is rolling on the floor laughing, thinking the rabbit is crazy for not taking the opportunity he took. For his final wish, the bear wishes all other bears in the WORLD to become females." So the frog wizard turns all the bears in the world into female bears. Then the rabbit mounts his bike, starts his engine and yells from under his helmet: "I wish...

..for that bear to turn gay!"
 
can't keep these last two from you

A short, skinny man gets on an elevator. He looks up and sees a huge black man standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little man, looks downs and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy turns pale and spontaneously faints.
The big man kneels next to him, shakes the little guy and finally he wakes up again.
The big guy is shocked and asks: "what's wrong with you?"
To which the little guy responds in a shaky, small voice: "what EXACTLY did you say to me??"
"Well," the big guy replies, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." To which the little guy says: "Turner Brown?! Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around!"





Jeff and Louie are hitchhiking.
A brand new Mercedes Benz stops with a sexy blond lady behind the wheel. She says she only wants to take one of them. Jeff gets in, and Louie starts walking. Half an hour later, the same Mercedes stops next to Louie, but now it's only Jeff in there, driving. Louie gets in and Jeff tells him what happened: "We were driving for a while, and then the hot blonde said: "see those bushes over there, that's where we're heading." She pulled over, took off here shirt and threw it on the ground. Then she took off her bra, her skirt and finally her thong ended up on the pile of clothes. Then she said: "Now you can take anything you want." Well, I took the Mercedes." "That's a good pick", Louie says, "what on earth would you have done with all those ladies' clothes?"
 
In Mexico every Sunday they have the bullfights and its a grand occasion.
After the bullfight, the Presidente is presented the cooked balls of the losing bull that was dispatched.
So, every Sunday the Presidente is eating these big balls presented to him on a large platter.
Then one Sunday the Presidente is served two little shriveled burnt balls and he is like
"Wat de fuck is dis shit?"
and his servant says
"I am so sorry mi Presidente but this time de bull won"
 
A third grade teacher gave her class an assignment to be done the next morning. Talk to your parents and find out the sharpest thing in the world. The next morning the assignment was due little Sally was first. When asked Sally said a Sewing needle. Next was Joey who said a Razor blade. Going thru the whole class with all sorts of sharp things she came to Bobby. The class smartass. Knowing that this might be a bad idea she asked. So Bobby what did you and your parents come up with as the sharpest thing in the world?? Bobby stood up in front of the whole class and with a practiced strait face said "A Fart"! The whole room erupted in laughter. When the room settled she asked "What would make that the sharpest thing on earth"? Bobby's answer was My dad said that it cuts thru your pants with out breakin a stitch.
 
halfbreed4lyfe said:
Farmer is having trouble getting his Bull to mate with the his cows, so he talks to a vet and the vet says just wipe some of the cows lady juices under the bulls nose. He'll get aroused and nature will take its course.
So the farmer takes the vets advice and sure enough the bull gets aroused and mounts the cow.

Later..that evening...

The farmer and his wife are in bed and the farmer thinks well if it worked for the bull, why wouldn't it work for me. So as his wife sleeps he reaches down under the sheets and rubs some if his wifes lady juices under his nose....seconds later...

HONEY HONEY WAKE UP!!!

What is it Earl?

LOOK LOOK IT WORKED!!

Earl you woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose. :yikes:
Click to expand...

This is an Ole & Lena joke from many years ago. :laugh:
 
A bad ethnic joke told to me by a Mexican. Ever wonder why Mexicans don't BBQ much?? It's really hard to keep the beans from falling thru the grill.
 
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad were driving in the car and we saw a truck tip over and lose it's load of tennis balls, so the driver got out and started picking them up, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that contagious to pick up all the balls."
 
Ok theres this guy looking for a job,he been waiting to fly planes for years,it would be his dream job to be able to fly.So he picks up the sunday paper and hes looking in the help wanted.He sees an ad pileit wanted.Not thinking anything about the spelling he simply asumes it just a spelling error.So he takes his resume in hand and goes to the job site listed on the ad.The address had take him to construction site.Hes thinking now what in the world would a person be flying around here.So after filling out the job applications he asks the person whos interveiwing for the position so I your looking for a good pilot.The persons back yeah I am.The applicant answers great I meet all the qualifications and have my pilots license.The guy doing the interveiw says no you wont be flying anywhere.The guys looks back at the interveiwer and ask why the ad says pilot wanted.The interveiwer says look I need a pile it understand you are going to pile it there ,pile it over there pilie it over there.The job seekers leaves very dissapointed after finding out the dream job of being a pilot was not as he expected.:thumbsup:
 
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(Yep. You betcha.
There is a moral!)

'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks'!
 

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